I haven’t really wrote anything on here in a while. I usually only write on here when something is on my heart, this has always been a place where I could come and let out my emotions.
It’s been 48 hours since the passing of my grandmother, everything is still very fresh and I still haven’t grasped the fact that she’s gone. I don’t even know how to explain in words how i’m feeling right now, but I know it will help to just write something out. Writing my emotions out and venting has always helped me feel better, Its better to let it out then to keep your emotions bottled up inside.
Everything is still very fresh and real. I haven’t really got any proper sleep yet, just keep playing video’s of her late at night and looking at photograph’s of her. That’s all I have left of her now, that’s the only way I see her alive and happy. I keep questioning to myself why I didn’t take more pictures, or take more video’s while I was with her. Why didn’t I spend more time with her? I saw her every month or every few months but it still does not seem like it was enough time. Its just so crazy to me how she seemed okay 3 months ago and now she’s gone. It’s crazy how fast things can change in such little time, time flies yet so much can be different just within a matter of months or even days.
I saw her exactly a month ago today in her new home. At the end of April when we saw her she had 24/7 care at her place, but it got to the point where she needed to be moved out of there and into a care centre. She was laying in bed, my aunt and uncle were there taking care of her while the other caretaker was gone. We gave her a early mother’s day card and brought her flowers. I just remember talking to her, it was hard for me to talk to her without having tears in my eyes. I was looking at the stuff on her dresser and I was looking at this silver brush, she told me how my grandpa gave that to her for her 21st birthday. We didn’t stay long that visit because she needed her rest, but I could tell that she was getting weaker. My sister told me when she was talking to her that she told her to have a good life, and to enjoy it, almost like she knew she didn’t have a lot more time left to live.
Then I went to visit her again on May.22nd with my mom, and my aunt from BC. I took a video that day and pictures while we were there, something was telling me to. It was a nice visit, she seemed very peaceful. Even how weak her body was getting she still would push herself, she was always a fighter and that is something that I will always admire about her. She always said to never give up. She was so persistent to live on her own and be independent, and she wanted to live in her place until the end. But it got to the point where she had to leave and no other choice because she needed the extra care.
It’s weird because I was looking at photo’s from last year when I visited her in 2011, and I saw that it was dated May. 22nd. If I would have known that a year from that day how much things would have changed I wouldn’t of believed it. I even posted something about that visit on here about a year ago. I wouldn’t think that the next time I would be visiting that cemetery would be for her funeral. May 22nd 2012 which was only a month ago was the last visit where she was be able to speak to me.
I visited her Tuesday night with my mom because they said she didn’t have much longer to live. My mom went Sunday with my sister, Monday with my dad, Tuesday with me, and again with my sister on Wednesday morning. She lives about an hour and a half from us right near Niagara Falls. I just have so much regret within me because my sister said she was going to visit my grandma with my mom on Sunday and I told her I already had plans, and that I was sleeping over somewhere else the day before and wouldn’t be home to go with them in the morning. Later on that day I got a text from my sister telling me that she was no longer eating, no longer drinking, and no longer able to leave her bed. She told me how she might not have that much longer to live, and to visit her as soon as I can. On Sunday she was able to move her head and move her eyes to see. She wasn’t able to speak was just mumbling, but sometimes she would say things so clear. My sister told me how she said “where’s the sunshine?” and then they opened up the blinds for her. I feel like everything changed so fast, it’s a lot to take in.
On Tuesday evening was when I went to go and see her with my mom. My aunt was staying there with her, and we saw her before we went into the room and she was just talking to us telling us what condition my grandma is in. It was weird because I haven’t seen my aunt in a very, very long time. The last time I saw her was at my grandpa’s funeral in October 2006. I haven’t really seen her much, she lives all the way up north in Sudbury. But it was actually really nice to see her, I miss the family on my mom’s side, even though a lot of them haven’t made any effort to stay connected, I still miss them.
We then walked into the room, and I just saw my grandma laying there withering away, it didn’t even look like her. The image of her is burned into my mind, but i’m just praying that I don’t think of her like that and I think of her when she was healthy. It was probably the most heart breaking and hard thing I ever had to do in my life. To see her like that broke every part of me, the cancer and jaundice was just taking over her body. It took me a little while to really just sit beside her and talk to her because I was so choked up, it’s really hard for me to speak when i’m crying or really emotional. My mom and I had a time to ourselves with her and we just prayed. I held my grandmother’s hand and I held my mom’s hand and we just prayed over her. I just kept thanking God for giving me such a beautiful grandmother and for me getting the opportunity to know such a beautiful person. I then talked to my grandma, I told her how much she has inspired me. Even how many times I told her I loved her, I don’t think I ever told her how much she inspires me. It was the hardest thing because she couldn’t respond to me, she was only able to moan. She kept moving her one arm almost as if she was trying to hug me, I just grabbed both of her hands and held them. I just said my good bye’s to her, and told her how much of a wonderful grandmother and how much of a blessing that she’s been to my life. She couldn’t see, but she could hear everything.
Walking out of there and leaving her like that was probably the hardest thing I ever had to do. Her request was to not have any life support, so she was there with no nutrition in her body or any liquid, she was extremely dehydrated. All that was going into her body at that point was pain medicine, and the air she was breathing. I tried to brace myself for that visit because I knew she was in such a fragile state, but no matter what you can’t brace yourself for a death. It’s always going to be hard no matter what. Driving home away from her, knowing that the next time I return may be when she’s gone just killed me. I’ve been crying a lot these few days, i’m just very emotionally drained.
On Wednesday I was just trying to pull myself together, and not think about my grandma and just focus on something positive. My mom and my sister went to go visit her that morning, and my sister went to work that day but was sent home because they told her she should be at home with her family because she was really down. My sister got home, I was getting ready to head off to work. I got out of the shower was about to get dressed and then I just heard the phone ring, my heart just dropped and I was thinking “don’t let that be the phone call, don’t let that be it” I didn’t hear much from downstairs, then I just hear my mom sobbing, it was like a hollow of these cries. I just threw on a house coat and ran to hug my mom, my dad then went on the phone and talked to my aunt. I just hugged my mom as we cried together, and then my dad stayed with my mom as I tried to call my work and tell them i’m couldn’t come in. My boss was really supportive and understood. I didn’t go into work yesterday either, I just took these few days off to get myself and my thoughts together. I still can’t go a day without crying, I still can’t grasp the fact that it’s real. I still can’t even go without 15 minutes when i’m by myself without thinking about her. Everything is still fresh, I know its normal to grief. Sometimes I just think of memories with her not that long ago and i’m like “she’s not gone, she’s not gone, she’s still here” and start sobbing, but the fact is she’s gone. God had to call her and bring her back to her real home.
She’s been such a beautiful and strong woman, and i’m not just saying that. I know when someone passes you just want to think of the good things and nothing else, but everything about her was good. Stories I hear about her, the way she would always speak. The way she would always push through hard times. To me that is amazing, and even though her body couldn’t keep up with her spirit anymore she never quit. She would always say “how about that” when you told her about something good that happened. She would always be such a wise woman, and she would never forget your birthday. She cared so deeply about others, and had such a compassionate heart. She always put her faith into God, and I feel like his love was shown through her. You always felt so comfortable within her presence. She was there for my first ballet recital when I was a child, and she was there when I scored my very first goal at my soccer game. I could go on and on about how great of a grandmother she was, but it wouldn’t end. Her life here on earth may be over, but her legacy will live on forever. I feel like tragedy pulls something out of you, even though I am still going through this difficult time. I’m still trying to find some light, even though the sun is shining. I know I will be okay again, and I know she would want me to be living my life and not sitting at home and just sulking in sadness. She would never do that, i’m going to be strong for her even though it’s hard. I feel like she pulled something out of me that no one else could, I just feel so motivated to just be the best I can be, I want to do it for her.
I’m going to push myself and go out today, even though i’m very emotionally drained. I just have to push past it all and move forward. Tomorrow is the funeral, it’s going to be very hard but I can get through it.
I ended up going out yesterday. I went to my hair appointment, and it felt like just a struggle to even go there. Then I went to see a friend yesterday evening, and it was nice to have my mind off of it for a little while and to just talk to someone in person. I did cry in front of her but she was there to support me, and help me to laugh. We went out to eat, and then went to starbucks. It was actually nice because we walked into starbucks and there was an acoustic show going on. I absolutely love live music, so to walk into there while that was going on was a nice surprise. Then after that we went to church and just sat quietly and prayed. I feel really blessed to have such supportive family and friends. Even though with my immediate family there can be so much bs, it’s all of that was just dropped. Were here for eachother, and when your going through a hard time nothing else matters. The out pouring of love i’ve been getting from friend’s too and family on my dad’s side has been amazing. It is a really comforting feeling when people show their love and show you that they care.
It’s a process healing when you lose someone you love, each day can be a struggle but we are given the strength to get through it. We aren’t going to be here forever, and anyone who leaves before us, we will see them again. That is a hope that I will always carry within my heart, that I will see them again. I don’t know what it’s going to be like once you leave earth, it’s a scary thought but I know it will be somewhere wonderful because you will be completely with God. Once we die all of our burdens, pain, and struggle is burned into the earth, it is gone and we will be released from it all. It will be a place with no more anger, no more sadness, no emptiness, just all eternal love.
I don’t know how to describe my sadness or hurt into words, thinking about the funeral tomorrow makes me feel very upset and empty. I just want to go and visit my grandma, and go out to dinner with her at her favourite restaurant. I don’t want to go there to see her body, I want to see her. I don’t want to go and eat at her favourite restaurant without her after the funeral tomorrow. I know she will be there in spirit, but I just want to talk to her again and see her laugh and smile. I miss her so much already, but I know she is reunited with her two son’s, my grandfather, her friends, and her family. I know each day that goes on is a day closer to seeing her again. Life really is so short, we don’t even know if we will get until were old to live. Life is very precious, and time is soo precious. Don’t ever take anything or anyone for granted. Appreciate each new day, it is a blessing. Be thankful for your health, and do all that you can while you can.
Life is a journey, and I know that at the end of each journey you want to look back and know you lived a good life. I know my grandma lived a good life, and most importantly she lived a life full of selfless love. She will be greatly missed, but will never be forgotten. There will always be a special place for her in my heart.
February 28th 1926 - June 20th 2012